me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
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What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet