Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
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Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Yoga Matt
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash