Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
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We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.