@iAmDelFreaky

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

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@ShaunRightNow

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

@SortaBad

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

@_davidlucas_

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

@GinAndJif

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

@DranoRaul

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

@sploosk

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

@Matt_The_1st

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

@PaperWash

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

@batkaren

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.