Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
You Might Also Like
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday