@bryanmcc74 Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
@iAmDelFreaky Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
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@bryanmcc74 
@ThisLocalHater One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
@roastmalone_ sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
@ThisLocalHater Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
@BabetteJones Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
@meganamram “Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
@Nickadoo On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
@weinerdog4life one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
@foodfacenow 1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
@birbigs “You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday