@iAmDelFreaky

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

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@bryanmcc74

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

@ThisLocalHater

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

@roastmalone_

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

@ThisLocalHater

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

@BabetteJones

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

@meganamram

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

@Nickadoo

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

@weinerdog4life

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

@foodfacenow

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

@birbigs

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday