Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

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Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.


9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?


The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.


Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*


People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it


THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster


Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.


“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*


Narrator: The power of Febreeze


The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.