Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
You Might Also Like
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.