Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
You Might Also Like
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Delightful if true: booby trap.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip