“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Me: so I’m delusional?
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
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*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
“Why do we park in a dri
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*
this is why I drink
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.