@wildethingy

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

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@mommy_cusses

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

@Tommytoughstuff

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

@FeverFlave

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

@WilliamAder

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

@ThisOneSayz

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

@PaperWash

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…