@wildethingy

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

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@ozzyunc

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

@notalogin

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

@DadandBuried

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

@slimmy_shady

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

@causticbob

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

@iwearaonesie

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

@NoTheOtherJohn

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

@SomeChrisTweets

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

@Cpin42

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.