Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
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wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)