ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
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[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.