Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
You Might Also Like
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
How animals would run if they were human
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Me, in DM rooms…
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
At least he brought enough for everyone
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.