Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
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when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Yup.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.