ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

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We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.


waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”


Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.


The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.


If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby


Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.


[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *


Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.