ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
You Might Also Like
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[canadians at you, canadianly]
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder