Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
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BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded