Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
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Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.