Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
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Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.