Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
You Might Also Like
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good