me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
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If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test