Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
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You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs