me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
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Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
🙁
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
i wish i could marry a nap
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.