ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
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INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
The best shot in the history of golf
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.