Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
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My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Cause of death: Zumba
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
From Facebook just now…
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.