Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
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EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
For the baby who has everything
[the middle of showering] I need a break
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!