me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
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Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.