@GoodZiIIa

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

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@thepunningman

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

@Reverend_Scott

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

@fro_vo

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

@demented_Ash

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

@clichedout

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

@mariana057

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

@heyitsJudeD

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

@dreamthievin

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

@AdamDavis

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

@OllyiConic

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.