Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

You Might Also Like


Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi


I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.


*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™


Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.


Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen


My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.


Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind


Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s


*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag


[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.