ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
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50 shades of grey = my Liver
Yes my dude
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.