Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
You Might Also Like
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.