Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
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Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
this article brought to you by lions
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?