me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
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Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.