ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
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If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”