Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you