Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
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Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Time for evil
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.