Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
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computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.