me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
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Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I am a gravy boat captain
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next