Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
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Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*