Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
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The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.