Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
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I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here