me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
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Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.