Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

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The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.



The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.


Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?


Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.


“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”


I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.



My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move


I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes