Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
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This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Incredible customer service.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.