Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
You Might Also Like
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing