Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
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just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I feel seen
I thought this was funny lol
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming