me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
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Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
thank god the sign was there
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
This squirrel eats better than I do
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.