Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
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[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom