ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?