me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
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Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
OKAY DAD
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket