me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
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COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
uncle dave has been through hell
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.