Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
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My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum