ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
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chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Here’s a meme
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”