ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
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If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.