Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
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”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.