Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
You Might Also Like
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.