@HlessHman

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

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@PinkCamoTO

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

@PetrickSara

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

@nnnatchos

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

@batkaren

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

@AndyAsAdjective

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

@MoneypennyNaked

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

@GrantTanaka

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

@BoomBoomBetty

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

@murrman5

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”