Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
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MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*